I got your two dollars right HERE, jerkweed.

Whither the paperboy?

The paperboy (or papergirl, as the case may be) was a symbol of the innocence of suburbia. Have you ever seen a movie or TV show about the suburbs that didn't have a paperboy in it? No, you haven't. You would see them with their huge shoulder bag full of newspapers, either riding their bikes (and always hitting the bicycle bell when they were in the shot), or walking along, tossing papers perfectly to porches from the street. They even made a video game about paperboys in the mid 1980s, called, funnily enough, Paperboy. But I believe that it was around this time that paperboys became an endangered species, and now are virtually extinct.

I was a paperboy. It was my first paying job. I was going to the Corner Deli in November of 1981, most likely to pick up the Courier News for my dad. I think he only let me cross the street because he realized that he wouldn't have to go and get the paper himself anymore. When I came out with the paper, I was approached by an older woman. She said she was with the Courier News, and she was wondering if I would like a job delivering papers in my neighborhood? Being 11, and well versed in what to do with regards to talking to strangers, I immediately started asking her many questions about the job, most importantly, how much would I get paid. I think I was getting a couple of bucks a week for allowance, so whatever she said must have sounded good, because I took the job.

I had to pick up the stack of papers (24 when I started), then fold them and deliver them. I was given a little book that contained a sheet for each house. When I collected for the week, I would tear off the corresponding date from the sheet and give it to the customer, so I would know and they would know that they had paid. I had to buy my supplies from the Courier News; things like rubber bands, plastic bags, the shoulder bag. This cut into profits, but I had no choice.

I was in between bikes at the time, so I mainly walked the route, which was spread over a 8 block by 4 block area. I had 2 houses on the extreme edges of the area that weren't near any other houses on my route. Since I had yet to develop any sort of work ethic, these houses often did not get their paper. I acted flabbergasted about this, and suggested that someone was stealing it. I was a very bad paperboy. I gave it up after a year, because by then, I was working for my dad, and I lost a lot of customers.

So now you know my secret shame. But what has happened to the paperboy? Well, the paperboy was replaced by a paperADULT, because the adult can drive a car and deliver more papers in less time. Plus they can get up really early and have the papers delivered before people wake up. The paper will be waiting for them when they come out the front door in their bathrobe, a cup of coffee in their hand. Wow, progress is great, right?

NO.

I go to work at 2 am or so, and I take mostly country back roads, which means I see more rabbits than cars on my way to work. But you know who I do see sometimes? That's right, the paperadult. The paperadult apparently owns the road, because once they put their hazard lights on, they can drive wherever the hell they want. Do you know how disconcerting it is to see high beams coming at you in your lane? They drive on my side of the road so they don't have to get out of their car to deliver a paper. That's dandy! More than once, I have had to slam on my brakes because some idiot thinks his newspapers are more important than driving safety. I wish that I would see a paperadult get pulled over and ticketed for driving like a moron. I have gotten pulled over at that time of the morning for my license plate light being out, so it's only fair, right?

I have heard that the newspaper industry is in trouble (if you are reading this, then you know why). I hate to see people out of work, but if it's going to put these f***ers out of business, then I say sorry to all newspaper reporters.