What, me worry?

If there's one thing about myself that I would change, it would be worrying. I have always been a worrier, but at this point in my life, it's actually physically hurting me, as well as mentally. I think butterflies in the stomach is due to worry, but sometimes it goes father than that, like maybe you feel really sick or throw up.

When I get worried, I hunch my shoulders, so much so that it is second nature. I have to actually realize that I'm doing it in order to relax, but it doesn't last long. A couple of months ago, we had our Customer Appreciation Day at work. It's usually a very busy day, and it's also a long day for me. I guess that I was super hunching, because by the end of the day, I had a terrible pain in my neck and right shoulder, which went down into my arm. When I left for the day, I could barely use my right arm because it hurt to put any pressure on it. It hasn't hurt like that since then. It's flared up a few times when I've been stressed about something, but never as bad as that day.

I know that I can avoid this. I couldn't change the fact that Customer Appreciation Day was coming, and I can only do my best at work, so worrying is for naught. I don't think worrying has ever helped me in any situation before, yet I do it constantly. Many people worry constantly for no reason at all, usually hurting themselves in the process. Why?

I had a neck pain flare-up today while I was at work. Two weeks ago I read somewhere about male breast cancer, which I don't think I ever heard about before. Friday night when I got out of the shower, I noticed that I had a painful knot underneath the skin on my chest. I thought it was probably a pimple that hadn't surfaced yet, but the breast cancer angle was in the back of my mind, and I started worrying a bit. It got stronger after a few days when the knot didn't go away, and I worried about telling Sarah because I didn't want her to worry. I told her on Monday when I got home from work, and I told her I was going to call the doctor (which is the reverse of what usually happens). The doctor's office told me to call back on Tuesday morning, so naturally my neck and arm started to hurt once I got to work this morning and started thinking about it. Along with worrying, I tend to assume the worst is going to happen, and I make up scenarios of doom in my head. That's what I occupied myself with during work, so I was good and frightened when I got to the doctor's office.

The doctor basically said that my first instinct (the rogue pimple) was probably correct, and that cancerous lumps aren't painful at first, and the fact that it didn't hurt as much now was a good sign. All stuff I could have found out on the internets, if I had stopped worrying for a second and thought about doing that. The doctor is not ignoring it though, I go back next month regardless of what happens to it in the meantime. But it was a relief to hear.

It seems abnormal to live my life without worrying about something, which itself is probably abnormal. I just don't know how to stop.